Wearing a hat that can hardly see my face, holding a canvas bag with a pencil, a notebook, and a bag of a napkin, waiting for my partner. I was standing at the front door of the outpatient department of Beijing Anding hospital, just like I did thousands of times before.

However, this time, I was a interviewer, not a patient.

I lead my partner to the Depression clinic, pretending slightly that I was not familiar with the environment. We headed to the waiting area, there were hundreds of seats. “Let’s find our first interviewee!” she said. I scanned the area, searching for someone who looked kind. In the corner, a young female holding a stack of the test report was reading carefully, with her hands shaking. I seemed to see me at that time. I moved over and sat to the seat behind her furtively, peeking at her test report, “ moderate depression” it said. I brainstormed for thousands of kinds of opening in a few seconds. “Are you here to see depression, too? ”, “yeah...yeah, I just got my test paper. I don’t think I am that serious.” Her voice was urgent and tense, and her eyes kept blinking. I started my depression history and the intention for the interview in short words. Surprisingly, she said yes, as I was assuming I would be rejected the whole afternoon. “Do you know why you got depression?” “I think it's work pressure.” I realized that she was at a stage where she didn't know herself yet. And she began to cry uncontrollably.

The scene that I burst into tears in front of the desk of the psychiatrist flashed back, I was just crying too hard to say a complete word and the doctor saw me indifferently, he must have met countless people like me every day.

I pulled out the napkin in my bag and handed it to her, I thought I could truly resonance with her at that moment. I felt a little bit of loss and reached her hand, “That is OK, I was been there. I am sure you can make it ”, how powerless my word was! At the later of the conversation, I asked some detailed questions like the relationship with parents and social condition. I left my number to her and asked her to contact me when she could not find someone to tell. I know how important and necessary it is to have a listener for depression patients.

I thought I took a fresh air for a long time after interviewing her,all the bad emotion came back to me and I felt powerless since my words did not go in here and I wanted to give up. However, the sound in me kept calling me to do this.

“Let’s move on! ” I said to mypartner. We stayed in there for several afternoon and interviewed 6 patients totally.

OK, It is time to say something about my story. The moment that I knew I was cured of depression was that I told my deepest secret and shame to my boyfriend for the first time, who hardly knew what I was going on. My inner-self coordinated with my appearance and I put no effort to hide. All the burden was gone.

Although what I try to erase, are looming. Depression made me start to accept myself and understand what was important. A lot of feelings that I had neglected began to take root. I love languages, so I picked up French which I hadn't learned in two years. I love dancing, so I joined a dance club, met a group of friends here; I love the piano, so I once again wiped out the ashes of the piano cover, and said hi to the black and white keys; I love design, so I started building my own website and named the domain with the suffix  ’life’.

It was more like a gift than a disaster, I can not imagine how bad I was if I had not experienced this disease. When I was a child, I would possessively grab the book of other children, stared at her meanly, and shouted "This is not yours!" ; I would selfishly sow dissension between friends. Now, I'm placid. It was as if I had experienced all kinds of pain in an intense period, so I could feel in others’ shoes easily when I was in contact with others because I have been there once.

Jung said that life is the process of removing the shadow of the growth. Only when seeing the shadow can the sunshine became real for me. I became fascinated with my inner self, began to explore human nature, and began to change. I always use this hypothesis to describe what the experience gave me,

"If there were countless parallel universes and each world had a me, the present one, must be the best."

I could not say I was more mature than my peers. Empathy, tolerance, endurance, and self-awareness, that are the good sides I got from depression. However, I also aware that there were qualities that others take for granted I need to deliberately learn and master. My parents got divorced finally after years of fighting and I did not have a close bond with my father, the insecurity was born with me. Subconsciously, I only cared about my feelings and dared not speak in a firm tone in public. When I encountered problems, I always felt it was my fault and kept saying sorry to others. Although I heard a lot of encouragement like “That is not all your fault ”, “You are brilliant, speak it out!” “You are not inferior to others”, It was hard to take a movement. I must thank my aunt and uncle, who are kind to me unconditionally and treat me like their daughter. Gradually, I got my awareness and confidence, I can stand it out because I knew they were at my back, supporting me. Besides that, I should say thank you to my boyfriend who continuously tells me his feeling about a particular thing as a normal person that I can compare with myself.

Depression is not a single battle and that is the main point of contradiction that I found in my research. Patients are shameful to share and surroundings are full of incorrect cognition. Depression has been demonized that no one can tell in public, it was described as a horrible and dangerous mental problem. No, it is was a physical illness just like caught and fever. The body lacks hormones to produce excitement and just take the medicine!

The reason I want to do the depression museum was to let both patients and normal people eliminate prejudice and recognize the illness in a correct way. Besides that, to give power to the patients to get through it and restart their life.

I am not the type of person that into making money very much, but I do love to inspect consumers' needs and provide something meaningful for their life, I discerned that when I went to FBIC2020 as a speaker. Our product is an energy ball designed for Chinese people as the flavors are more traditional in China in spite of western flavors like chocolate or coconut. we not only design food but also discover the opportunity in the market, like how to making price, how to attract a customer in the first place, and how to attain them. I still have lots of things to learn.

Besides of making a living, I think designer should also take some social responsibilities. Caring more about the meaning of the design rather than what I can have done.

I also have a long talk with the psychological counselor in our university, her view was new and from a new perspective.  She told me a story of a psychological counselor who worked in prison and provided consulting for the condemned. After hearing their growth environment, childhood. suffering, the counselor said he had understood their crime and he would not do better than them if put him in the same circumstances.

We all the same, just some encountered misfortune and was not given enough support and power as they needed. Crimes are not born evil and others are not born noble. Actually, we do not have much differences in nature.

Experience is precious. Still, I have a long way to go. To be a good designer, I should be a good adult first. I am always on the road to perfecting myself. Besides that, I am grateful the pain I experienced gave me the quality of empathy, which I think is a definite advantage for the designer. I always believe that one can't empathize with others without experience. People do not have exact pain points but I could use my own experience to resonate with them. I use this article as a closure to the past and a start to new life, like it was said in friends, “life is sucks, but you gonna love it”.

Based on my depression experience and advices from psychological counselor and some common quesions frequently asked when talking with patients, I offer some personal suggestions at last.  

1. Physical or mental illness?

In general, depression is a mental illness. However, physics and mentality are indivisible.

Depressive emotion is short-term, only if one could not digest it and the negative mood accumulated for a long period, it will turn into depression at some point.  Diagnosis of depression requires medical tests which have two parts, self-test and medical quantitative tests like brain CT, chest CT, blood test and eye-tracking, etc. Neurobiochemical changes in patients with depression include reduced levels of neurotransmitters in the brain such as serotonin, adrenaline, and dopamine. And common drugs like fluoxetine, paroxetine is all SSRI medications, which means Selective Serotonin Retake Inhibitor. Those drugs work to stabilize your mood and give your space to explore yourself.

Physiology and psychology are integrated, emotional changes are carried by neurotransmitters, and anatomy shows that the frontal lobe structure of the brain changes in patients with depression. As you see, Determination and treatment are treated as physical diseases. Hence, when you got depression, It is just like catching a cold or fever, take the medicine and listen to the doctor's advice！ 

2. Take medicine or not?

Like I said above, when you have a physical illness, you should take medicine. Most of the patients who refused to take medicine are afraid of side effects or fear of addiction. All drugs have negative effects. The negative effect of depression is a little bit more strength for me, and it will take about one month to let the drug effect. In the one month, you probably will suffer more seriously which keeps lots of patients away, and think they will overcome it by their willpower, which I think this thought will only drag you down. I am not refuting the possibility of self-cure,

However, I prefer to have drugs. Depression has 2 phases in general, periods of severity and stability. What the drug does is to help you pass the serious period during which you can not control of you emotion to a period of stability. In this phase, you have the space to breathe and self-introspect. 

3. Attitude toward psychological consult

If conditions permitted, I recommend seeking the help of a psychological counselor. The job of a psychological counselor is to explore your inner-self with you and give your unconditional support and acceptance. Of course, if you got involved in an intimate relationship，your partner can give you those I mentioned above, it will also work.

The key is not to find a psychological consultor but a great listener who words like an outlets of your emotion and gives you unconditional support.

4, What about relapse？

The recurrence rate of depression is high and I am also the one suffer from recurrence. Without realizing the seriousness of the problem, I stopped taking my medication without permission and stopped seeing my doctor regularly because I did not think it was a big deal. When I first stopped taking my medicine, I started to have a headache and nausea but it went well later. The thing went great in the next year.

However, it stroke me again. When I went back to the doctor, she told me that it would take longer to take medicine after relapse than before，maybe 3-5 years. She kept telling me not to stop this time. And I tell you from my bitter experience not to be like me.

Btw, of course, the most important thing to avoid relapse is facing your shadow and deal with it.

5, How to fight against lack of spirit?

Many people suggest me to do sports which I think is nonsense. I could hardly get up from my bed and not to mention running! The only thing I can move is my eyeball. However, it a vicious circle. The less you exercise, the less you want to move.

1. Get involved in some group events like dance class，spinning class or gym class. Avoid doing sports on your own like running, swimming or doing deep squat in the corner of the gym by yourself.

2. Find an emotional outlet. Describe your despair or happiness to a reliable person，maybe your parents, boyfriend/girlfriend, or friends. Tell them your condition. They don’t need to give you some specific opinions, just listening will work. When I feel bad, I turn to my best friend and speak it out, usually, she did not care about me and just doing her things. But when I speak it out, half of my depression disappeared.